Hey God! Can we make a deal ? It's.... about my cat.

Euthanasia. Why do I have to choose?
I don’t want to – I just don’t want to make the choice – its final & I am not in a place where I can make this choice. 
What if I’m wrong? What if I make the wrong choice?
What if he is in pain and I’m prolonging his suffering? Why can’t it happen naturally?
I’m going to wait to see what happens.
What if he is in pain? Who created this anyway?
 Why am I having such a hard time with this process?
My cat is sick, very sick – when I got the diagnosis I asked the vet if I should put him down right then & there?
I know he wasn’t ready but I didn’t want to go home and watch him deteriorate – I wanted someone else to choose. 
At that moment after the ultrasound and the diagnosis of the liver cancer and the fluid accumulation in the lungs I was ready – I was ready to leave the vets office without him – I didn’t want to carry it with me.
So the vet said: No, it’s not time! I could take him home and when he is ready the vet would come to my house and do it - do what? Kill him, put him down, end his life?
For me a 16 year old cat is not old, for others whose cats have never made it past the age of 12, being 16 is like making it to 110 in human years.   –
6 days later I had to choose, on my own.  I asked the vet to come over, we talked, 
I questioned my choice.
He answered my questions with the usual expected answers:
It’s only his body
His soul will be with you
He is not in pain (so why should I kill him)
You had 16 years……blah, blah, blah…. fuck you no I’m not ready you need to leave I told the vet.

It all happened overnight – When Lionel got sick the signs came with a bang – there was no long drawn out battle or symptoms – one day he decided to go into the bedroom closet and not come out.
-He didn’t want to eat unless the food was brought to him and put in front of him.  
-Water had to be put in front of him – in his 16 years with me he had drank water maybe 3 times – now he wanted the water near by so he could dip his rough tongue into the bowl every few minutes and sip lightly. 
There was no fluid reaching his vital organs
His already barrel shaped chest was swelling and he was slowly drowning.
 He hadn’t been out of the closet since the day before the vet visit – I picked him up every few hours and put him in his litter box. – Very little activity in the litter box.
He wasn’t eating – I was pureeing turkey & parsley with broth and force-feeding him.
The water he was drinking was not coming out of his body through urination.
What was I waiting for?
I spent my time awake making deals with god ….“Give me one more year, I’ll do anything you want from me God”
I am ashamed to say this but I asked god to take members of my family I didn’t & still don’t like…I am more ashamed to say this but I asked god to take members of my family that were old and sick instead of my Lionel. I don’t know if anyone else does these things but I did – I did it all in silence in my prayers…That week I just went a little haywire – I lost sight of how life works and how life evolves.

Today 3-1/2 years after I lost Lionel, I was told that my Bullwinkle is in heart failure & has a small tumor on his lung – The cardiologist told me that IT could happen at any moment…. The first thing that came to my mind when I heard the news was a comment a good friend had made: “If we all live long enough we all get cancer or die of a heart attack”
 
Bullwinkle’s last exam was December 17, 2013 and at that time we had no inkling there was anything wrong with his hear. Bullwinkle’s illness came on suddenly, Just like Lionel’s illness: no symptoms,  I believe that this is where my choices to feed clean nutritious foods, elimination of vaccines and using homeopathy & proper supplementation versus drugs on the two occasions he became ill in his 18 years have made a positive impact on his aging process.  The thought of a drawn out battle with an illness and an animal deteriorating from this healthy magnificent being to skin & bones would be unbearable to watch.
 
Bullwinkle is eating, peeing, pooping, playing, and enjoying his life  - Hopefully Bully will be with me & his animal siblings for a good long while… if he shows any sign of distress, I will choose to let him go with dignity and all my love. God, I still prefer that you take him peacefully in his sleep but we can discuss that later.  This time I ‘m not going to be making any deals with God, especially since all the people I was asking God to take in Lionel’s’ place are gone so I have no collateral to offer.

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